writing

I've decided to create an online journal. One where I wont be posting the url anywhere and its anonymous. I've got a diary, but I guess I just wanted a blog. Not like anyone cares. Wordpress kinda sucks though. I wish I made a blogger one instead.

All in the past

  The year has gone passed so fast this year. Its quite funny how this year turned out to be.. so far. I mean the year hasn't ended yet, right? Who's to say there won't be anymore twists. I guess I would say my A levels experience this year has been quite the good one... mostly, minus all the losing 2 iPhones, being a bitch and A levels exam, haha.

   

   I just wish I had a goal to work towards. As of now, i'm more confused as to what I'm gonna do in life than I was 10 months a go when I just finished SPM. I really want to go overseas next year, but honestly, how am i to plan or apply when i don't even know what it is i actually wanna do? 

  Imagine being able to relive a day from any year for a few hours. Just for a visit, to see how the old you were. I guess that's why keeping blogs/diaries or whatever form that captures that part of you and who were at that time is so magical. I'm glad I had many diaries as I was growing up but I stopped for a few years in high school. I'm back to having a diary, though now. 

  I guess at this age it would be the best time to be keeping a diary. This is when the fun and chaos happens right? This is when I'm truly just finding out who I am as a person and I wanna have a written memory of how and what I went through before actually achieving that. All the bumps along the way, all the mistakes I make. 

  I wanna remember how it was like growing up, i wanna remember how it's like to be this young. 

lost

I dont know what I'm feeling. I often feel this, but not at this degree or level of confusion. I can't tell what i'm feeling anymore. Am i happy? If so, what is there to be happy about?

He's gone. Everything ended so abruptly and fast, I dont even know whether the breakup has hit me or if it  hasn't. If this is how I feel, then, how was it ever love? 

I always thought the end for me and him to be hard. Why isn't it? Or is it? I dont even know. 

Maybe I'm blinded by the company I have. My other family. Haha, if so, big thanks to them. 

I dont know what i'm doing. I can't see the bigger picture. 

Not to say that i'm unhappy with where i am now, cause in fact, i actually do like where i am. Everything's chilled and OKAY. -but like i said, i can't seem to see the bigger picture of what i'm doing. 

I've been avoiding this question for awhile, but how long can i stall it? It isn't fair to both parts. I want to be frank and be straight and just ask. -but i'm scared and too confused to handle the answer. 

I wish things were easy, I wish I could just go with the flow, but my thoughts are making me hard to do it. My messed up thoughts. 

Another thing is, I miss so many people, but i'm afraid it wont be the same between us and that would break my heart. 

I feel like i've lost my high school friends. I was sure our group will be one of those that stuck up till even after high school, but i guess i was wrong. I know its probably my fault its so, but I cant help feel outcasted? I dont know. I miss them though. That I know. 

Everything's changed, including myself.. How've I changed, i dont know. -but i'm sure I have. I can feel it. I didn't think it possible, but i've become more cynical. What a shame. 

I dont think I'm lovable. I'm too hard to understand. How many people can put up with me? The real me. Whoever that is. Not many, I assure that. 

I think the reason behind me being afraid to ask myself is cause I dont think he knows what he's getting himself into and also cause I think i'm just another girl. My fate will be the same as the last few girls. So i'm thinking, i dont want to know how i feel. That way, whatever happens, im safe. 

My thoughts are everywhere. I give up. I hate this. 

Back again

Life after high school? Everything's different. The friendship, the love, the easiness.

More than half a year has gone passed, and a lot has been happening. Too fast. I can't handle it. Everything seems different compared to last year. Everything changes though right? That's life? Nothing stays the same. So why am I still in shock?

I use to wonder whether people can change. I dont know whether a person can change, but I now know that a person's way of thinking can change. They're outlook in life can change. Making it seem like the person has change. But have they?

Thinking differently, looking at something in a different perspective, does it change who you are? I guess so.

I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry. I dont know what I'm doing, I dont know what i'm suppose to be doing anymore, in fact.

I'm fucking everything up, aren't i?

It strikes once again,

I'm trying to describe what I'm feeling as of now, but I'm having a very hard time trying to put these feelings into words. 

What am I feeling? Many things at once. 

I feel like i'm going backwards. Like i'm making all the wrong choices. Like i'm about the crack. 

Nothing in particular is wrong. -but these little things, just piling up, taunting me, waiting for me to crack. 

I should be able to open up to people who i'm close to, but I can't. 

I can't find the words to express what i'm feeling. I feel like i'm drowning in this feeling. 

This feeling has been the reason I've been hating being alone. -because being left alone with my thoughts is torture. Agonizing. 

I'm wreck. 

Whats the point?

Update (?)

Hello there. So i'm pretty sure my blog doesn't really get readers, but what the heck. I'm pretty bored right now, so I feel like blogging.

Trials are over and SPM is about a month away. Can you say, holy shit? My trials results weren't good, surprise, surprise. I didnt get the minimum requirement for what I wanna pursue in. I feel so stupid -.- So, so much for my plan of skipping NS with going into college early. DIUUUUU. So frustrated.

Anyway, I can't wait for everything to be over and done with. I immediately want to take my drivers license after SPM. I hope i'm not as hopeless in driving as how i imagine me being. That'd be a bummer.

Thing's with me has been fine. Confusing, but none the less along the lines of fine. Nothing big has happen, pretty boring. To say I've been doing nothing but studying so my lifes been pretty boring would be an utter lie. I've been going out as usual despite my horrendous results. *slaps forehead.

Things i'd like to do after SPM ;

1. GET MY DRIVERS LICENSE
2. GET A CAR
3. Get my kindle and go on a reading frenzy. Not like i'm not on one right now. -.-
4. Start sketching and painting again
5. Go prom dress shopping
6. Go shopping in general
7. College hunting
8. Do something to hair


.... yah. Not very interesting. -.-

Anyway, i better be off now. Eng lit in the morning at McDonalds. I know, youre thinking, you have your classes at McDonalds? Wtf? Well, yah I do. -because we dont have anywhere else to do it, apparently. Whatever. Fed up with this subject, to tell you the truth.

Oh, and one last thing

WHY THE BLOODY HELL DID I CHOOSE PURE FUCKING SCIENCE? Diu.

x

Section B; Question 1) A place that brings fond memories.

For me, the first place I would think of when i'm asked of a place that brings fond memories back, it would most definitely be the small four wall wooden house that was built by my childhood friend and I up in a tree. I don't really know where or how to begin telling you the story, to tell you the truth. -but i'd like to try.

Let's start from the very beginning, how and why it was built. The idea was brought up on the very first week of summer back in '98. Both my childhood friend and I at the age of eleven were lying down on the grass in the forest behind our houses, having a sip of cherry Coca-cola, reading, when he suddenly looked up from his book with a mischievous smile on his face and said, "Let's built a tree house". I burst into a fit of laughter thinking, clearly, he was joking. I mean, how could it ever be possible? A house? On a tree? Us? Building it? -but then I realised his eyes on me with his im-not-joking-why-are-you-laughing face, so I stopped abruptly and asked him, "Why?". His reply? "Because it will be you and me up in the trees, and the forest will give us the answer," quoting from the song Trees by Marty Casey. I burst into yet another fit of laughter, but I was sold on the idea. We were going building a tree house. -but how? A lot of time and effort, that's how. It took us pretty much the whole summer to complete it, but it was worth it. The day we finished the tree house, which was the last day of summer, we stayed on the tree house till midnight, passing our curfew just talking and enjoying having a private place up in the trees.

The tree house was pretty small, but it was alright as I remembered it. We talked about painting it a few times, but never agreed on a color, so we left it bare, which I preferred anyway. Throughout the years, it definitely became more.. "homey". We pretty much filled the place with our belongings and lots of junk food and cherry Coca-cola, our favorite. -but what really made the tree house was the radio. Our friendship grew around music . Music was mainly why were even friends. We would just stay in the tree house after school listening and discussing music and lyrics while helping each other out with our home works. It was simple. We went up there to get away from things, to be together up in the trees.

In high school, things were a bit different. For starters, we weren't quite studying or doing home works anymore. Surprise, surprise, huh? Instead we would just talk and of course, listen to music while doing so. We also only met up at night, after dinner. We had to sneak out from our room, which weirdly, wasn't very hard to do, given the fact that we snuck out almost every night for our very own little rendezvous up in the trees. In the evenings, we had our things to do with our own friends. We weren't in the same high school, so that's why we had different set of friends, by the way. So pretty much every night, we would just chill. Play guitar, talked, and smoked. We were pretty much identical in terms of personality, so there was never a lull in our conversations. I guess that's why we managed to stay friends despite being in different schools and stuff.

The tree house was so special to us. It was a place away from our school life, family, everything. That was what it meant for us . A place we could chill and play music and be ourselves without anyone there to judge us. It became a place to escape more than anything as we grew up.

Now you're probably wondering whether we were dating. Sadly though, I don't have a straight yes or no answer to that. We were... complicated. As cliche as that may sound, it's true! Did we act like we were together? Yes, BUT only when we were up in the tree house, because we never see each other anywhere else. The tree was all we shared. Outside the tree house, we were nothing. We didn't confide in each other with our problems in the 'real world'. When we were up in the trees, nothing else seemed to exist. Did I love him? Yes. Did he love me? Yes. We never hid the fact that we did love each other, but it didn't feel real. It didn't feel real because there was so much we didn't know about each other's lives anymore, which is funny because we probably knew each other as a person better than anyone else back in those days. It was never an official thing, and it definitely never ended officially either.

How did it end? We both went to college away from home. We said our goodbyes up in the trees for the last time and since that day that we last drank cherry Coca-cola and talk about our goals and dreams for the future, I've never heard from him. His parents moved away, so that was that. All I have left of him are our fond memories together up in the trees and the tree house itself which should still be there. I've thought of going there a couple of times on my visits back home, but never got around to actually doing it. It never felt right. Don't think it ever will without him.

I hope it's still there. I hope the smell of cherry Coca-cola still lingers on the wood. I hope the radio and along with everything else we decided to leave behind that last night, is still there. I hope it's a place frozen in time. These memories are bringing me back in time. In a time when a boy and a girl used to spend so much time up in that tree house. A time when they were younger and free. A time when it was just him and her up in the trees and the forest never failed to give them the answers.


So yah, that was the essay I wrote for my Trials examinations fro English a couple weeks back. Was very disappointed. I got 40/50 for it. It's way lower compared to what i got for Mid years. So that's a bummer.  Oh and do check out the song! 






The song was in my head the morning I had to do the paper, so basically this song was my inspiration for my essay. Haha. 


Oh and sorry if there's any error and stuff. I can't be damned to go through it :P

Read and weep

At the age of 7, after exams meant being able to bring toys such as my barbie dolls to school and play.

At the age of 10, after exams meant being able to bring board games and cards to play.

At the after of 12, after exams meant being able to bring iPods and hang out in the IT lab creating blog layouts.

At the age of 15, after exams meant being able to go out and hang out with friends.

At the age of 17, after exams means end of high school.

This week I read..

1. Paper town by John Green (★★★)
2. Virgin Suicides by Jefrrey Eugenides (★★)
3. Jay's Journal by Anonymous (★★)

ticktockticktock

9:00 pm- I'm going to sleep early tonight!
10:00 pm. - It's still early.
11.00 pm- Doing other things. I'll sleep soon.
12:00 pm- I should get ready for sleep.
1:00 am- I should sleep.
2:00 am- I should really sleep.
3:00 am- Last chance to sleep.
4:00 am- I should asleep. Even if its for awhile. It still will help.
5:00 am- If I sleep now, I'll just oversleep and mess things up.

This is me. For SPM. Change all the word SLEEP to FUCKINGSTUDY.

:'(

Books Ive read in the past 2 weeks or so?

1. Perks Of Being a wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. (★★★★★)
2. Room by Emma Donoghue. (★★★)
3. Charlie St Cloud by Ben Sherwood. (★★★)
4. The Thief Lord by Cornelia Funke. (★★)
5. Looking for Alaska by John Green. (★★★★★)
6. Anna and the French Kiss. (★★★★)
7. One Day by David Nicholls. (★★★★)


:) 

Section B, Question number 1. Someone who has affected your life.

I remember the first time I saw him. God, it feels as though it was just yesterday, when actually it was 15 years, 2 months and 3 days a go. I was new in town and the first thing I wanted to do was "check out" the playground. Mom of course was a bit skeptical on letting me go alone, but I worked my charms on her and assured her that I'll be okay and that when I get back, I'll have made many friends. When I finally reached the playground though, I was welcomed with a feeling of utter disappointment and just down right shocked. It was absolutely deserted and it was 4 in the evening! The peak time of the day for kids to go out and play!.. well at least where I to came from.

I decided to stay, and thank God I did, be cause if I hadn't, I wouldn't have met him. I was on the swings when i saw a figure through the trees walking towards the playground. He was holding a book and I remembered thinking, what a peculiar thing, to bring a book to the playground. He then sat on the slides, but did no show any signs of wanting to actually slide down. Instead, he sat back and started reading. Did he not see me?, I remembered thinking. I then decided to shout a loud and clear "Hi"to his direction with a very optimistic wave, only to be lead down by him just glancing my way with a weary smile and then going back to his book. How rude, I thought. Being the outspoken child I was, I went straight to the slides and tapped his shoulder and said, "Excuse me, I would like to slide down the slides, and you, boy, are in my way.", why that would make him talk, I thought all smug. -but, he didn't. Instead, he got up and sat somewhere else to continue his reading. Maybe he's afraid of girls. So I went down the slide and went to him and asked whether or not he was, because if he was, I assured him I am like no other girly girl. He just looked at me. Blinked and shook his head. Stood up and moved somewhere else. I remembered very well getting very frustrated with this boy and I didn't hide the fact that I was. I sat down and in midst of sulking, I was thinking of how sucky this town is with it's creepy kids. Suddenly, he tapped my shoulder and handed out a note and it read the following,

"Hi, I'm Tom".

That was the beginning of a b-e-a-utiful friendship. I still have that note he gave me, along with hundreds others. You see, Tom had a gift. He was a talented writer. Just brilliant, really. I remember he always had a notebook, a pen and a story book in hand at all times. Now, you're probably thinking Tom's mute, right? Well, you're wrong. He could speak perfectly well. He just chooses not to. "I speak through the words I write", he used to say. Everyone in school, like you, thought he was mute and they also refereed to him as the weird mute guy. 

Throughout the years, our friendship grew and as we ourselves grew, we've both become completely different people. He was shy, awkward, intelligent but funny and mysterious. I was rebellious, outspoken and obvious. But for some reason, we never drifted apart, our differences made the friendship work. I was probably his only friend and the only one he actually talks to aside from his family members, and even then I still have hundreds of his witty quirky notes and inspiring letters. Sophomore year of high school was the turning point though, for me. It was when I started to look at Tom differently. Sure, everybody always teased us of being an item, but we never saw it that way, I never saw it that way. Until sophomore year, that is. I remembered starting to realize how amazing his eyes were when he was under the sun and his eyes goes from brown to green, how he smelt like rain, how his smile was the most amazing smile and how he could make me laugh even when I'm feeling my worst. Now I also remember this scaring me a whole lot. I never actually told him or gave him signs or anything, though. I just kept it in me. He was my best friend, and as cliche as it sounds, I didn't want to ruin things. 

Senior year. We were walking to the park like we always do at night. Usually he'd be reading while I'd be smoking, this time though, as we were on the swings and before I could take out my ciggs, he handed me a letter. How typical of him. A letter. -but it wasn't just any letter. It was the letter he had confessed his feelings towards me and asked me to prom. It was probably the most magical night of my high school days. That was a month before prom. Two weeks before prom, he didn't show up at school for school for four consecutive days. I decided to go to his house and check up on him thinking he was sick or something. Now, you're probably thinking, why not just call him? Well, he is Tom. How could he possibly own a phone? Talking wasn't his forte remember? So I walked to his house after school. It's about a fifteen minute walk from school. His grandmother answered the door and informed me that Tom was in the hospital but she didn't know why. She was really old and senile thats probably why she didn't. 

I went straight to the hospital by a cab and eventually got to his room. He smiled as I entered the room, and as of that moment I completely forgot that I was mad at him for not keeping me in the loop. He then began assuring me that he was only in the hospital because he needs to donate blood to his father as the dad at that time was undergoing an operation and he has a rare blood type that Tom had inherited. He told me that he didn't want to scare me. So he left a letter saying he went away with the family for a couple of days in my History book. Idiot! Of course I wouldn't have fount it if it was in my bloody history book. I NEVER open that ridiculous heavy text book, I remembered thinking through a grin. After a couple of hours just spending time with him, I headed home. That night, Tom died. 

He had lied about donating blood, he was actually donating his kidney to his dad and complications had occurred during the procedure. Throughout the years that I have known Tom, he had taught me many things, gave me countless of advices but the thing that I will never forget was what was written in that letter he had left in my History textbook. It was not a letter saying he was going away for a couple of days, but a letter saying that he might go away forever and if that does happen, he told me to never forget him, to always chase my dreams no matter what and also that he loves me and always has. You see, he knew I wasn't going to the read the letter, he knew I was going to go to he hospital, he knew he was going away, he knew everything before me. -and what hurt the most at the time was that he didn't share that with me. Within time, I learnt though that he was protecting me. 

Tom was my best friend. He was the one who told me to chase my dreams no matter what. -and I did. Even though my parents were against it. He is the reason I am who I am today. For that, I will never forget him. He has affected my life in many ways through his words. That is why I have compiled his best writing pieces into a book. In hopes that his words can somehow make a difference in other peoples lives like it did for mine. 

My Words To You by Tommy Greg. 

.. okay. So that was the essay I wrote for my Mid Year Exams. Pretty crappy and choppy. Oh well. :) 

Oh and there's probably mistakes everywhere. I can't be bothered to reread it. Sorry!