I want to be..

In the course of 16 years, I've wanted to be many things.

I wanted to be a princess so I wanted to be a ballerina.
I wanted to be superman because he saved lives so I wanted to be an ambulans driver.
I wanted to be a lawyer because everyone told me I would make a good one.
I wanted to be a professional tennis player because they told me I could.
I wanted to be the very best like no one ever was.. because I liked Pokemon.
I wanted to be top 5 in class because I wanted her to be proud of me.
I wanted to be like Hermione Granger because she was a muggle born witch and was really smart.
I wanted to be a champion.
I wanted to read 10 books in a month because I wanted to challenge myself.
I wanted to be a writer because I express myself better through words.
I wanted to be fit and healthy.
I wanted straight A's.
I wanted to be able to play piano because my mom loved piano.


.. I always just wanted to be things. Do I actually achieve everything I want to be? Do the dreams turn to my reality?

NO. 

Why do I not strive and work for what I want to be? Why do I very often give up so fast?

That is why i'm a failure. -I don't have the drive and what it takes to achieve my dreams.

I want to be a person who fights for what she wants. 

Things on my mind;

1. I should start studying FULL BLAST. Its already March goddamnit.
2. I need a new iPod.
3. I should start drawing/painting again. Moleskines looking pretty empty.
4. Attend tuition more regularly please, Nana.
5. Buy more notebooks... and files.
6. Habiskan pafa, lisans and pekas!
7. STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY LAH. 

Epiphany

There has just been a tsunami. In Japan everything must be pretty havoc.

I can hear my dad watching the news.

...and here I am on the computer.

You shine brighter than anyone.

The room was cold and I had just taken a shower. I climbed on my bed and got under the warm covers, finding the perfect position. I could hear the soft sound of the drizzle outside,  and I felt at peace. Not long after, as expected on nights like these, I fell into slumber.

Suddenly, I woke up. There I was lying down as I opened my eyes. I was confused of where I was. No longer on my bed. Instead, in this ... box. Suffocating from the lack of light and fresh air. Feeling asphyxiated with the thought of being trapped any longer.  Because seconds felt like a lifetime.
I wasn't sure where exactly I was, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know at that point.  I was constricted to any movement at all and I started to hyperventilate as I am claustrophobic.
The smell of sweat and dirt intoxicated me. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't stand it and started to scream. I pushed the walls that confined me, but to no avail. I kicked and pushed, called for help through the endless sobs.
I could feel things starting to crawl on my skin, bitting me. The pain was excruciating. I was being eaten.. alive. Or so I thought.
I wanted to die. There and then. I gave out one last scream.
..
Then it dawned to me.
This isn't a joke. No one can hear me for I am underground. I am buried. I am... dead. 

I woke up, sweating and crying.

Scary isn't it knowing that when you close your eyes at night, you might not wake up in the morning in the same state you were in the night before.

Past, present, future.

When you think about where you are now at this exact moment in life, are you content with who you've become?

Are you satisfied with what you have achieved so far?

Are you someone who you are proud of? If the five year old you were to meet you, would he/she be proud?

Are you who you always wanted to be? Are you on the path you had planned to take or have you gone astray somewhere along the way of growing up? 

"Be who you are".

I'd like to be. -but only problem is .. who am I? People say, "You are who you are". People also say, "You can be anything you want to be". So which is it? If I try to be... something specific, am I being fake? Am I not being true to myself? -but then yet again, what is my true self?

How do I truly know who I am right now is really who I am? How can anyone know? Is it even possible? Is being fake when you feel like you're lying about yourself? -but what if we're so used to lying to ourselves and being so convincing that one day we ourself can't be sure of which or was ever the real "me".

"She's so fake". Something I hear get thrown a lot in conversations amongst people these days. I ask myself, how do they know she's fake? What if thats .. her. The real her.

How can you tell apart fakes from the .. not.

Everybody change. So are there such people who actually are who they are? Or is the change apart of who they are?

Are you who you are?

Is there even such a thing as actually being who you TRULY are?


-Or maybe I just think this way cause I'm so unsure of who I actually am.

Take it from me.

February's almost ending. How fast. 2 months down, another 10 to go.

These past few weeks has been pretty chilled. A few hang outs, stay backs at KP, KDE moments, pretty nice actually. 

Music, him, my room, friends, Aisha has definitely made my month a better month :) 

This is just a phase.  A phase I know I'll get over.. maybe not soon, but definitely will get over. I hope you understand. I know its disappointing, I know you may blame yourself, if ever you were to find out, and thats just the thing, i dont want that. I hope you know It's my decision and you have no play in this. You are definitely not to be blamed. 

You've taught me how to tell right from wrong, and I'm glad to say you've succeeded but ...I still chose the wrong. Why is that? .. Maybe because sometimes, a little wrong can be a lot more fun. -but then again, are we here on earth to have fun? Sigh. 

Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right. Sins and deeds.  


*and the guilt dawns on her as he kisses her forehead and says"I thank god you've turned out to be an honest young lady. I love you."


Lying to keep two hearts from breaking.

Bleh.

I have no fitness. I dont wanna run. I dont wanna play tennis. I dont wanna do any form of sports this year.

Thanks.

Click save.

I hate it when I think of something I want to do, write, paint, or whatever, and the next minute I'd have to think really really REALLY hard of what it was. Just a minute after :( I need a book where I write down absolutely EVERYTHING I think of. So I don't forget. Life is hard.

I need a save button to everything I think of.

RIGHT CLICK, SAVE AS. 

A new year?

So it's the 2nd of January. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AISYAH :)

How was my New Years Eve? Wasn't what I planned, but a great one none the less. Didn't get to celebrate it with the Sri Gardeners but instead, I spent it with Hartamasians at Curve. Don't really have an exciting story from that night, didn't do anything crazy or whatever. So thats, that.

2 days into the year, how do I feel? BLEH. I feel bleh. All that hope jazz, yah, that's pretty much gone. In it's place now is fear. Why fear? Fear of SPM, of course. I slacked so so much last year, it's pretty much like sending a form 3 to form 5. I've got form 4 and form 5 to learn in ... 11 months ish. Holy crap.

This year, like every other year, I pledge to myself to be more organized. Of course every year I fail, but lets hope this year's different :)

I've got so many new notebooks for this year, it's mental. I don't even know what to use them for. Starting tuitions soon. Um, can't wait? Totally.

Till next time,

x.

December wishes.

December's a month of hope.

As the end of December draws closer, we all catch ourselves setting our hopes and dreams for next year.

31st December 2010. 1st January 2011. Just a day difference but a huge impact to people.

It's amazing how a new year can really make anyone feel like they can change. Like its a new beginning. Like, there's hope to change your life for the better.

A new year, makes it seem like anythings possible. Like whatever happened this year shall be left in a closed book, titled as 2010 and that's the end of it.

Every December, I get all excited for the new year to come. I set goals and am determined to achieve them. I start to believe in myself.

I guess coming into a new year is like stepping into a new book where everything's blank and pure and not having our sins in the same book gives us hope to start over.

I love December because It's a time where everyone actually believes that they can achieve anything next year.

What are my goals for next year?

To be a better person.

First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes

Clarity

School is once again OVER for this year :) I definitely am a happy child. Haha. I'd like to say sorry to the very morbid and emo posts i've been posting lately. I assure you I'm as happy as can be and i'm not going through depression or whatever :) it's just a few stuff that goes through my mind that I just can't stand them being in my head so I blurt it out on my blog. So once again, sorry.


Flying off next week for two weeks. Excited? Haha, you could say that.

Hope your holidays are going good.

X.

The wall

I remember it once being broken. My wall for the first time was finally out of the way, I was free from hiding, and I fully believed. I was happy. Or so I thought. Life's funny that way, it sometimes plays tricks on us. Making us think we're happy when we're actually in such misery. We're so oblivious with whats happening because on paper, this is what everybody's looking for. Naivety takes over us. We swallow in our doubts and fears. For that brief moment of the very short chapter of my life, you made me happy. But the chapter ended and as a conclusion I made you a regret. A mistake.

As the story continued itself after that chapter which I tried so hard to erase, but of course failed, I began to build that wall you suceded to break.

The wall is as new as ever now. It guards a shattered and fragile soul.

But now, I realize, as someone tries once again to bring the wall down,  what the wall's been guarding all along, isn't as wounded as I thought.

A new chapter is beginning. Only a few words written, but yet I find myself excited to read more.

Believing again is just apart of the story. Every chapter ends, I can only hope this one doesn't end the same.

X.

Self explanatory

"Pick me, choose me, love me." - Meredith Grey.

MAMBU

Just to update all of you with MAMBU longboards.

They have now opened a new site, http://www.mambuboards.com/ .

Do check it out if interested :)

One sentence could change everything.

"I don't even think you believe in god". - Dad.

He didn't even say it in a serious tone. He just said it in midst of a NORMAL-EVERYDAY-HOW-WAS-YOUR-DAY conversation. I pretended like I didn't hear him say that.

I guess lately I have been thinking a lot about religion, god, faith, and what to believe in and I'm here to state that I have no doubt about my religion. I believe in certain aspects of it and I admit I do tend to wonder about some. Is it wrong though to be curious? To wonder and to state and opinion?

Maybe it is wrong in this religion. Or in any religion I suppose. -Because in every religion there will be a lot of questions that simply can't be answered. Some things just can't be explained in religion.

I've come to realize in religion, sometimes all we need is Faith.

Fragility

Humans are only made of flesh and bone. Flesh. Bone. We are beyond fragile. One little cut of the skin, and blood starts to unleash itself. Ever wondered how fast it would take for yourself to die? For your soul to depart itself from your body?

When I'm at high grounds I've always wondered how it would feel like to jump off. To just forget everything and, jump. How fast would it take before I really die? How would the impact feel when I touch the ground? Would it be painless because I would have died long before reaching the ground? After 16 years of living on this earth, all it takes it just one jump to end it. End everything.

When I'm in the car I imagine myself opening the car door and leaping out of the car. Would I get instantly smashed by car? Or would I fall on the road first then get run over by a car instead?

I'm not a fan of those slow deaths though. I don't get people who commit suicide and choose to do it by slitting their wrist. They like the pain probably. They feel alive when they feel pain. Not a fan, not a fan. I'd much rather just die from one doing of an act. Like jumping off a building or jumping out of a car.

It's scary to think that one act could end your life. Just like that. In just a split of a second you could no longer be alive. Just one act, could end everything you've been working for on this earth.

No, I'm not suicidal. I just want to point out how easy one could lose their life.

Anyone around you at any moment could kill you.

So is it worth it to try very hard to succeed in life when you know at any moment you could die?

Or maybe the fact that you know you could die, that god could take your live away at any moment, makes you always aware and always ready to go.

Making sure to always be in gods good list, JUST INCASE he decides to take you away.

Because what if at that moment you died, you were in gods bad list. God wouldn't care that you've always been in his good list before. Its now that matters.

:\ wtf is wrong with me.

Death

Ever since we were old enough our parents has told us that one day, we will face death. Everyone dies. That's just the way it is, our parents would tell us when we'd question them why. Though I guess then, we didn't really understand the meaning or the impact of death because we wouldn't really feel the grief of losing someone cause we weren't really attached to anyone... yet.

Death. Heaven. Hell. Something we are all fully aware of. I guess every religion believes in this? -or most? I'm not sure. The only thing thats different in every religion is how you achieve in getting to heaven. What you have to do in order to be able to be accepted in heaven.

"Everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die".

I read that somewhere and that quote is spot on. But why are we all afraid of death? Probably because we don't know what is to happen to us after death.

I know I will die one day. I know that. - but yet I can't imagine myself.. dead. Where will I be? What state would I be in? Will I still remember everything..? Will I feel lonely? Because I don't have anyone there? ... so many questions that definitely can't be answered by anyone. Which I guess what makes death so scary for me. It's totally an unknown subject to anyone.

Sure, it is briefly explained on where one will go after death in the al-quran. But.. it's not specific, there's still that little bit of doubt.

Everyone thinks their religion is the RIGHT religion. But how do you know for sure? For example in my religion it is stated that non muslims go straight to hell and has no chance of getting in heaven. Which is a bit over the top don't you think? What if that person is a GENUINELY a good person, what, just because that person isn't a muslim, that person is sent straight to hell to mingle with rapists and people who are down right evil?

It isn't their fault they're not a muslim. They weren't born a muslim. If I wasn't born a muslim, I don't think I would have converted. Truthfully speaking because I wouldn't think twice about researching about the religion because I would have thought MY religion that I was born with was the right religion. Like I am thinking now.

Sigh.

Yes these are the kinda things that goes through my mind half of the time.

LETS LONGBOARD!

MAMBU IS FINALLY HERE. MAKE AN ORDER AND GET YOUR OWN BOARD NOW. SEND AND EMAIL TO mambuboards@gmail.com TO PLACE AND ORDER OF WHICH BOARD YOU WANT :D

Somethings wrong with me.

I read, hear people write, talk about how they love their life and how they want time to stop so they can just stay where they are and i'm like w t f. I'm jealous of these people. These people who are so content with their life they wouldn't mind just. staying. there. Me? I'd do anything for time to pass by quickly. Sigh. I'm so confused for next year. Am I changing schools? Am i gonna start to study? jhgfdsrewij! Thinking about the future stresses me. Thinking about NOW stresses me out even more! I don't like where I am right now and I want time to pass quickly to a time where I would want time to stop. I'd like to just "go with the flow", which is what I've been trying to do but, I just simply can't. I find myself asking so many questions and wondering about things I know I shouldn't if I wanna just "go with the glow".

Sigh. Suck it up, Nana. You're just... going through a slump? :\ Haih.

2011, I pray to god you'll be better. Or.. maybe after finals, everything will turn out to be okay?

-But see thats the thing. Nothing significant happened to me that would make my life not okay. Like death of a family member, or anything. Nothing is bad. In theory, my life should be just dandy. But yet I feel so miserable.

Everything's okay. So why don't I feel okay?

Santa Claus's list.

We live in a world that constantly confuses me. We live in a world with humans in it. Lots of humans. People. People who tend to like to categorize things. Even ourselves. In terms of religion, race, sex, etc.

There is no harm in categorizing, don't get me wrong. But is it necessary to judge BY these categories?

Why can't we be judged -if we have to be judged. , individually? Cause are we not all individuals of different behaviors and state of mind?

For ones mistake, the whole lot gets blamed. The whole lot suffers the consequences. WHY? Because theyre're categorized in the same "group". Therefore they all must be the same.

Stereotypical. Why do people think like this?

When we talk about a person we somehow connect it to their religion, race, sex, etc.

"Muslims are terrorist". (I'm just using this as an example because this is what got me thinking to write about this).

Wtf. Just because there are muslims who are terrorist must you call ALL muslims terrorists? How is that fucking possible? In all races, religion, sex there are GOOD AND BAD people.

I wish people could think like Santa Claus. In his list all he cares about is whether youre GOOD or BAD. No matter what race, religion, sex or whatever. Can you imagine if he takes race, religion or even sex in accounts to his list? That'd be fucked up.

I'm pretty sure god works the same way. Or at least I hope so. All that matters is whether youre genuinely a good person who does good.

Good or bad. That's all that counts.

Where your heart really is.

Not long a go, one of my teachers told my class and I that we shouldn't give money to people who asks for money (beggars). Why? Because she said it's most probably a scam. I've heard a lot of these warnings before and honestly i'm baffled at the thought of it.

When someone who claims to be a less fortunate person comes and asks for money and you can afford to spare a few bucks for him, WHY THE HELL NOT? Why do you have to be skeptical? IF he's lying, how would you know? You won't.

Why think about the fact that the guy could be a scammer? What do you lose? The same amount of money that you would lose if he wasn't a scammer. Why can't you just help the guy and give him the benefit of the doubt.

If he's lying, -this is gonna sound like i'm so religious, haha. , then let him face it with god when the time comes.

As far as you know, you helped a guy. So feel all warm and fuzzy cause you did a good deed.

Why do we have to be so skeptical? Till the extent that we send warning emails to NOT give money to beggars because they could be scammers.

Benefit of the doubt, people. Benefit of the doubt.

Queen, Absolute Greatest Album.

I have been listening to this album, A LOT. Thanks to some cat I know. But yeah, thanks kitty, cause now I'm pretty much obsessed with this album. I don't seem to get bored with their songs.

Favorites from this album: Radio Gaga, Under pressure, Somebody to Love, Bohemian Rhapsody and Don't stop me now.

Not much I can say about this album since, I'm pretty sure all of you guys are familiar with how are their songs are usually like. Very Dramatical.

Album ratings: 5 ☆

Here we go again.

I don't think I can not have a blog. For as long as I can remember, I've always had a blog. Of course my blog started out to be a "what I did today" sort of blog. Gradually though, I realized I had more to say and write about other than what I did on that day. But I still do those sorts of posts on certain days when I feel like it. Sometimes I write about such serious and personal matters  that I never post them because I simply don't have the guts to do it. Afraid people might know the real me. But maybe I will. Someday. My blog is like my bed. My comfort zone. A place I know that will always be there when I need it :)

Gullibility

The internet is HUGE. Yes, you can get a lot of information from it, but you can't really believe EVERYTHING you read on the internet because basically anyone can write anything, whether it being the truth or not. So if I tend to not believe you when you tell me things cause you "read it on the internet", don't be surprise. You say Malaysians aren't aware of whats happening in their own country. What? Because we don't believe everything thats written in a forwarded email? You say we're ignorant because we don't use the internet for the right purposes. How about you? Aren't you being ignorant and gullible by believing everything you get through forwarded emails? I mean come on. I may be wrong to a certain extent. But I also know I'm right to a certain extent.

Proficiency in English.

English. Some are fluent in english and others, not so. But I think it's wrong for people to discriminate people with bad english. Just because you're better in english doesn't mean you're any better of a person. I read peoples formspring and when a person with bad english asks a question the owner of the formspring will reply with such mean remarks on the persons english. The fact that you are better in english do not mean you have the rights to discriminate them. Because there are much more people with better english than you yourself. If you wanna correct their mistakes, fine. No need for, "Nice english.", "Where'd you learn your english?", etc. It may seem like i'm being a hypocrite for writing this, for I have probably done all of them above, but I'm here to say I've come to realise this and no more will I do it. Cause I see it's stupid and mean. Plus, my english isn't even good. So who am I to judge others? :)

Lets longboard!

So if youre feeling like taking up a new sport just for fun, maybe you should try longboarding?! :D It's a fun sport, really. Wanna know more about it? Just search for longboarding videos on youtube, and i'm sure you'll guys wanna start longboarding yourselves. Well thats how I wanted to start longboarding. Through youtube videos -.- Haha, I was obsessed with trying to longboard. Thanks to the videos and my brothers obsession too.

So anyway, my brother and his friend is starting up a longboarding business. Mambu longboards. Their mission is "To promote longboarding and to become the leading provider in Malaysia". Basically they provide some pretty cheap deals for a longboard. Cause, it's actually pretty hard to get longboards here in Malaysia. But have no fear, Mambu Longboards are here. Haha. *sigh. So yeah, visit their Facebook page.

Here's the video that made me want to start longboarding :p One of the first from many, that is.

Genius Mix, iTunes.

Genius Mix on iTunes is such a genius! I swear. It makes everything super duper easy :) To people who hasn't "turned on" their genius mix's, please do. I've been using it a lot lately. I love it. To people who doesn't know what it is, well genius mix actually forms playlists for you. Songs that are quite similar are put in the same playlist. It's pure genius. I wonder how it does it. To people who don't use iTunes, dude, go download la! It's awethum :3

Katy Perry, Teenage Dream Album.

Now this album is the shiz. It's awesome. I've never been a main stream type of girl, but lately, idk, I guess the radio's really getting to me. Haha. So the songs in this album to me is a very Summer-like soundtrack kind of album. Well, some of the songs at least. It's a very fun, teenage love album. When I listen to this album it kinda makes me feel like I have a sucky teenage life and I know I'm going to regret it. Haha. Now my favorites in this album would be Teenage Dream and Last Friday Night. Gah, I absolutely LOVE Last Friday Night. I want my Friday's to be like that. Hahah.


"Yeah we danced on table tops, and we took too many shots, think we kissed but I forgot". -Last Friday Night.

EDIT/: Now that I have listened to the album more I come to realise it's mostly about looking back in the past. The songs are mainly about thinking about highschool days and teenage puppy love and such.

Album Track List;

Teenage Dream, Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.), California Gurls (feat. Snoop Dogg), Firework, Peacock, WhoAm I Living For?, The One That Got Away, E.T., Circle The Drain, Pearl, Hummingbird Heartbeat, Not Like The Movies.

Album ratings: 3 ☆

The past.

Thinking about the past is quite amusing. I've been thinking a lot about the future that when I actually started to think about the past just now, it made me feel .. uneasy? I'm not sure what it made me feel but I don't think I like it. The things I've done in the past, the things I've been through, some makes me ask myself,

"What the bleeding hell were you thinking, Nana?".

I quite miss it though. The old group of friends, tennis everyday, tuition every night, the tournaments, everything. But I'm pretty content with where I'm at now. I'm feeling a little lost, but I'm okay.

Tickle by Eyes Lips Eyes.

This is such a nice indie happy song! I came across this song a couple of weeks a go and I absolutely love it! I'm just waiting to do a longboarding video with this song as the background. Well, lets wait for me to learn new tricks so my longboarding is video worthy! After the Ramadhans, I'll get myself to learn more tricks! :)

Catcher in the rye by JD Salinger

Now, this is an american classic. A book every kid should read. Another bildungsroman story. What does bildungsroman mean? Its just a word to describe a coming of age story. Now, this book pretty much sums up a teenager. It's filled with confusion, angst, sexuality, alienation, and rebellion. Which best describes teenagers, right?

This book was written in the 50's and it is about a teenage boy name Holden Caulfield whom decides to rebel. Now this book has been debated on whether or not it is suitable for young readers due to its profanity and portrayal of sexuality and teenage angst. In the story, Holden also duels in finding who he really is and where he stands in this world.

It was weird actually reading this book, because I could relate so much to the main character, Holden. The feeling of not belonging and the endless thought of just giving up.

To sum it up, it's a really good book to read.

"I feel sorry as hell..." to the people who did not read this as they were growing up.
(The quoted phrase is a phrase used A LOT by the main character in this book)

...oh and he also calls everybody a "phony". And I do mean EVERYONE. Fine, most.

The language used in this book is very .. relatable. Quite a few vulgar words here and there, though. Haha.

What the future holds.

The movie, Inception. I loved the movie.

I just generally like the whole idea of having a whole other world you create and can escape to. Right now this concept of escaping into a dream may seem fiction and imposible, but think about it, people have been escaping reality for years now with the help of the internet. People are able to fully escape reality and live by only with the help of the internet. The time is gonna come when people don't even leave their house! Everything's done online and when that happens, it'll be just the same as escaping into a dream because through the cyber world, one can fake their whole lives and get away with it. You can make yourself to be whatever you want to be.

The future is an abstract from where we're looking at it, therefore the saying of, anything can happen tomorrow. A lot of people has written their theories and their guesses of what will become of the world in the future. I recently read Fahrenheit 451, a book written in the 50's by Ray Bradbury. This book is about Ray Bradbury's take on how the future would be like. He wrote of a world where books were banned and a fireman's job were to burn books. A world where everything was about a screen that filled up a whole wall and this screen could be interacted by a human. (In the book they learn, connect with other people all through this wall. Which is like Skype + a flat screen tv and well now days, there's pretty much a tv programme for anything you wanna learn!) A world where humans were unable to think for themselves.

Funny thing about this theory is, in the 50's this idea of the future was probably unthinkable. People then probably thought this was imposible. But I being a reader of the present has doubts of this book, this theory never becoming reality. I truthfully think this theory that Rad Bradbury has written about in the 50's could be our reality in a couple of years ahead in the future.

Now this is why, I hate thinking of the future.

I jumped way out of topic. Haha. Stupid, Nana.

Throwing babies fiesta.

Hello! So, recently my family found three kittens in the garden and couldn't bare just leaving them outside. So we bought a cage and special kitten milk. The plan was to keep them till we found someone else who wanted kittens. But its been about two weeks now and my parents seems so attached to the kittens already -.- They're very stupid though, they sleep in the litter box. Haha, stupid kittens.

Anyway, I wanna make a point here, even with kittens, my parents couldn't find the heart to just leave them outside in the garden, and there's people who can throw their babies? A freaking living, breathing, little baby. A baby that you've put up with for 9 months! -and you just throw them? In the dumpster? In the drain? In the toilet bowl?! The least you could have done was leave the baby in a church/mosque/wherever where you know there will be people who'd take care of the poor unfortunate baby!

Thing is, did everyone have sex in the month of December of last year? Or new years sex or something? Its like suddenly this month's full of baby thrown away in odd places reports in the papers.

Honestly though, what kind of person would be able to do that? To throw a baby in such places. It's just inhuman.

The world's becoming a scary place to live in.

It's scary to think how humans like that lives amongst us. What if slowly we all become like them? Slowly the humans of the world become less and less human. When we start to lack human qualities of compassion and mercy.

What a world it would be :)

It's like a disease spreading. Instead of us becoming zombies like in those horror movies, we become less human.

Merdeka 2010.

Merdeka. I think we're losing the meaning of it and we're taking things for granted. Taking this easiness of life for granted. And sadly no subject we learn, no song we sing, no essay we write will remind us of the hardship because, WE did not go through it. As much as everyone wants us to celebrate this day of independence with patriotisme, I don't think it'll happen. Satu Malaysia. Sure, it's a great vision but will this vision become reality? Will one day, all of us be able to put our race aside? We're all racist to a certain extent. It's just the way it is and I dont think that'll ever stop. Maybe it'll get better gradually through time, maybe. But, what's this I hear on the radio about how Malaysia isn't racist and how we're SATU MALAYSIA. When our country has had controversial race issues? I just think we're going way over the top with this Malaysia-is-so-good-we-are-not-racist motto. :)

But, hey, Satu Malaysia, if it can be reality, that'll be great. I do support it but I just think its not gonna happen anytime soon.

What I want.

I've been watching Make It or Break It, and seriously, i'm hooked! The way the girls train and have something to work for, just really amazes me. I wish I felt as passionate towards something as them. Watching the show reminds me of tennis. It's just that, it must be nice to know what you want and really work for it. The way they train, omg. Its so fun :(

X.

Figured everything out?

As a teenager, I can't help to wonder about my future. Lately, it's probably the most thought of thing for me. I've been planning, researching. I've seem to have everything, well for the most part at least figured out. I can't help to wonder though, will everything work out as planned or will an unexpected event occur to change my decisions?

At times, I guess it's also scary to think of the future. We don't really know what we're getting ourselves into -but then again, that sometimes could be very exciting too. I mean, if everything was planned out and if we knew our story cover to cover, where's the fun in that?

I'm only a 16 year old and others may think I'm getting way over my head here planning for the future, but I think it's important to set our priorities straight and really choose which direction would lead us to as much happiness.

All I know is, i'm pretty much excited for what the future holds for me.

THE LIST :O

1. A Baby-G watch ! (purple)
2. Clothes from Element
3. Vans skate shoes.
4. Black Wayfarers, Raybans
5. Ukelele
6. A longboard. Original Skateboards Apex 34, please?
7. New pair of hightop shoes.
8. Guitar string bracelets
9. I WANT AN IPAD :(
10. Blackberry 8520 dark purple
11. MacBook Pro
12. A DSLR
13. A new brownish handbag
14. Acrylic paint
15. Shorts and band tee's
16. I want to paste things on my walls. They seem quite bare.
17. Im going to get a moleskine year planner next year. idk why im adding this to the list.

Please, mom.

Its a Sunday night. As usual, I'm having this HOLYSHITTHERE'SSCHOOLTOMORROW feeling. I really, really, really hate it. I don't really know why I hate school so much. I wished school was more laid back. Maybe like college or something. School is just way too uptight for a place to be studying. So many subjects too. Form four is just stupid. Fucking 10 subjects. And unlike PMR, they're all fucking important. Which makes it all too hard to study :( Hmmf. I'm going to literally end up getting kicked out of science class. Sigh. i'm thinking of dropping chem. What do you think?

Anyway, yesterday was the ballet concert. I messed up a lot. But it was an awesome night none the less. Today, I woke up and got ready, ate, and went to Eng Zyan's party. No comment how it was. I basically just lepak in his room with Adib and KC. Lol.

School. School. School. Fuck it.

If you could be a number.

Regrets. What is “regret”? It’s one of the many emotions humas go through. Regret is a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviours. Regret is often related to the feeling of sadness, shame, embarrassment, depression, annoyance, or simply- guilt.

I’m pretty sure everyone at one point or anything has gone through the feeling of regret. Regret in my opinion is one of the worst emotions of them all. The feeling of wishing, wanting, hoping to be able to go back into time to undo a mistake which obviously is inevitable.

Like every other thing in life, regret comes in all sizes. The bigger the mistake you have done, well, the bigger your regret. Regrets are usually only triggered once your mistake is over and done with. When that glass that once used to be whole shatters into million pieces. When suddenly all you can think of was that second, minute, hour- that moment that you decided to do something that you’d regret for the rest of your life. With every heart beat and ever step you take the guilt and misery is reminded.

Now when the regret is that big, this is when the poor troubled teen decides to cut the misery short by using the oldest solution in the book. –Committing suicide.

Now, we don’t want that now do we folks?

So how does one overcome this sad emotion? How does one win the battle with regret?

Well first things first. You have to forgive yourself and make amends. Assure yourself that you have learned from the mistake and won’t be stupid enough to repeat history. Second thing, you have to be willing to accept the circumstances. Avoid blaming others but rather take the responsibility for anything that you could have handled. Now next, you have to deal with toxic relationships. Sometimes other people are the cause of us to be in such depth of regret. So patch things up and once again, learn to forgive. Lastly, you have to grieve for your regrets. When we feel regret, we re-live the guilt, sadness or anger over and over again. Allowing ourselves to experience these feelings fully with the intention of moving forward can help us revisiting them.

Regret. Once again, like every other thing in life, it can be beaten. All you need is a little guidance, acceptance and will power.

Fuck, i wish it was that easy.

Not good.

I think I'm an emo child this year.

Parents are pretty much freaking out at how much I'm not studying this year. Bad year to suddenly stop caring, Nana. Honestly! It's form four. Sigh.

Dear Nana,
Please care.

Anyway,

Where are you? :(

For all the broken hearted's out there.

I feel lost. Lost than ever before. Maybe this is part of growing up?

Yesterday while I was writing an essay having to describe a little about myself, I came to realize that I had nothing to write. Everything I would have normally wrote about myself was no longer valid since I've already given up on it. I couldn't find a single thing worth writing about myself.

I spent three hours starring at the empty paper thinking of what to write. It was a pretty simple task, really. Write about yourself. What could possibly be so hard, Nana?, I thought to myself.

So I began writing. I wrote my Name and age. What else would I write now? I sat down thinking to myself. Probably something describing me. So then my mind thought of what described me best. The first thing that came to my mind was sports. I've always been into sports. One sport in particular, tennis. So I wrote about tennis, then I came to realize that I no longer did tennis. So I scratched that out.

Next, i thought, oh maybe music. Then, oh wait, no. No music.

Okay, maybe studies. Wait no, my studies are horrible this year.

Dance. Yes dance. Ballet. But I didn't feel like writing it cause I knew I wasn't very good at ballet and don't really give it much thought.

I became frustrated. Frustrated at myself for giving up on everything. Because now, I have no idea what describes me anymore. I had no I dea what to write.

So fuck it. I don't know who I am.

I feel like I haven't achieved anything in my 16 years of life. Great.

Arts, photography, sports, books, music, dance without a doubt still inspires me. But the only thing is, instead of pursuing in doing these things, I'm slacking off at home.

Boo 16 year old Nana.

Tennis.

I've come to realize that I miss tennis. I miss the tournaments. The people. The waiting. The training. The losing. The want of rain so I dont have to play tennis. Ugh. I miss it. :( I wish I could start back.. but It's merely pointless. Idk. Maybe I will. Idk :)

What do you want to be when you grow up, Nana?

Bila Nana besar nanti, Nana nak jadi writer. Nana nak jadi photographer. Nana nak jadi magazine art director. Nana nak jadi kaya. Nana nak jadi sihat walafiat. Nana nak jadi seorang yang baik hati then pemurah. Nana tak nak sesat jalan dan ke arah tak bagus. Nana nak ada banyak kawan. Nana harap kawan kawan karib Nana skrg, nanti dalam masa depan masih kawan karib Nana. Nana nak kahwin bila besar. Nana nak ada anak. Nana nak sambung belajar di luar negara. Nana nak ke seluruh negara. Nana nak buat nama untuk diri sendiri. Nana bila besar nanti nak main tennis lagi. Nana tak nak merokok. Nana tak nak minum arak. Nana tak nak.. uh yeah :P

THE END :) YAYYY

Love poison

Hello! :) So I'll be going to Perlis tomorrow till the 11th. See you then! Heh. I like the picture above! The lighting looks epiccc. Okay, maybe not so, but... yeah. :\

So me and Aisyah are going to NYC in the future. Yes, we will. And no, not LA. HEEEE.

She's talking to me through the FB chat. How annoying! Its goes bloop! every time she says something :p

ANYWAY, there's pretty much nothing to blog about.

klahbyeeee.

X

Lets sing love songs in the rain.

Okay, so hey :) Mid Year Examinations has been over for about two weeks now. Haven't really gone to school since, so I don't really know how's my results, and frankly I can't be fucked. Cause I know it ain't good! :) Oh well, that's what happens when you don't study right? Lesson learnt, lets move on. So, this week is the MSSM training. It's held at Titiwangsa this year instead of the usual- at Jalan Duta. Anyway, this year's MSSM is hosted by Perlis. Sigh. Nothing much there. :\ Not quite excited. I have my reasons.

So I've finished 3 books in a week. Can't seem to go through my fourth one. Been having these headaches and stuff. Or maybe I'm just not in the mood anymore? Whatever, I better finish the fourth book BEFORE this Saturday so I can buy two new ones :) Heh.

<3

Shooting the moon.

Hello there loves. :)

It's definitely been awhile. So lets update! Not much have happened, really. I recently went to Hartamas' carnival. Met lots of familiar faces and it was nice. Went there without actually planning with anyone. Got out of the car, and Imran was walking pass me. So yeah, pretty much hung out with him the whole day. Him and other form three's. Katrina :P Meow.

I'm going through exams. And it's been horrible. I'm slipping back to 2008. Form two. Didn't study at all. This is definitely NOT good. I will hop on my study mood train (wtf) soon. Probably in a few weeks. Haha.

I'm currently missing lots of people and lots of memories. Especially the SKBD days and Hartamas days. I miss you guys. People I use to hang out with at Hartamas. I feel like we're merely acquaintance now. And during the carnival I really did wanna like hang with you guys, but you guys gave me this awkwardness aura and I just didn't feel like i fit in anymore. I mean how could I right? After a year + absence. Sigh. I just never though we'd be such strangers after everything we've been through. You guys know who you are. If you guys are reading this, I just want you guys to know, I miss you :) And mari kita berlepak and catch up, yes? You have my number. :)

Moving on, I WANT A KIN 1. Haha. :)

Oh, and, lifes been okay. Not bad nor that good. It's ... stable. Haha.

Can't wait for mid years to end! I want to go out :)

<3

Nana.

I miss.

Hello fellow readers :) So i've been pretty much busy, busy, busy!

This week, I thought, Oh wow, it'll be like any other week. No more sports, or whatever. -but i was wrong! I had public speaking, which I pretty much took the time to talk about nonsense. Haha. So anyway, on Friday, Saturday and Sunday it was SG's MUN fifth conference. I was a reporter. It was fun! I want to be a delegate next year! .. or maybe a reporter again? i doubt it :p I sucked at my job.

So, I really haven't been talking to people lately.

:)

I forget things, people, music. Things that use to make me happy. But when vague and random memories return to me, I really miss it.

Of the olden times.

So I've come to realise that I barely download songs now. I use to download so much songs in a week which lead me to have awesome kick ass songs all the time, but now, I no longer have... therefore, my sense of music suck now :( sigh.

I will TRY and start back though. :)

Going through old songs, ah such memories. :P

X.

of the color HITAM.

So, hey. As you all may or may not know, i've been on a sports frenzy lately. What with MSSKL olahraga, sports day, MSSKL tennis and what not. Well, as the results, I'm fucking tan. No, not tan. Hitam ah. Haha. Oh well. It's been a while since I was this tan. I mean I remember the days when I was like this.. 24/7 :P

Anyway, moving on to a more serious matter, my cousin passed away today.

*Moment for Al-fatihah for Muslims who are reading.

I was never close to him, but I feel the sadness none the less. Seeing everybody cry, seeing my auntie- his mother, fainting during the burying. It's just heart breaking how sudden death is.

Due to the phone call this morning, I gave a walkover for my semifinals MSSKL tennis match. Sorry, Sher. Hope you do well in Finals! :)

Anyway, that's all.

love,
budak hitam.

For saken love

Hello there loves. So I haven't been studying much.. why? Cause I've been having lots of running days lately. MSSKL Zon Pudu then it was sports heats and sports day. So two weeks of NOTHING school work related has gone into my head. Even when I'm in class I'm not bothered to listen. I'm BEYOND screwed. Next week's Tennis MSSKL. I promise to start back studying after MSSKL. Yes. That's a promise.

So slept over Aisha's house last night. It was Sports day yesterday. it was fun :) After sports day we all went to Nash's house to chill. Haha, I love his house. Over all it was a good day! Chilled with Aisha at Pavi today. Thanks for the lunch, Sha.

Life's been pretty great. :) Alhamdulillah.

Pretty in pink

Hello there non-existing readers.

Instead of showering or doing my homework, I decided to blog. So it's been a pretty boring weekend. Didn't do much. Just went to ballet and thats pretty much it. Life has been pretty dull lately. I can't remember the last time I went out. It's not that I can't, I just don't know who to go out with or where to go out with. Plus finding a day that I'm not busy or lazy is merely imposible these days. I haven't been going online lately. Well, I have, but never enough time to actually talk to people. So I'm sorry people.... not that you care. I guess. Moving on. I just realised that my Adobe Creative Suite 4 is still on my desk and UNINSTALLED. Haha.

Schools been a drag. I can't seem to be bothered with homework, schoolwork or anything much really which scares the shit out of me. I feel so relaxed. Which I know is wrong.

This is stupid. I'm off. BYE :)

Inhale. Exhale.

Abang and I at Hyde Park.

Is back at home. Home sweet home? Mhmm. Not so sure bout that. School today was fine. Though i'm pretty much still jet lagged so I didn't get a wink of sleep last night which led to me feeling rather sleepy during the classes! Especially Bio. We were in the lab and the fan blowing, the sun shining on me, god, I could just sleep there and never wake up.

So it's scary how I'm starting to give up.. I've given up tennis. Since I don't play competitively anymore. I'm starting to get sick of ballet. I'm starting to just give up on my studies. The stupid part is, I'm planning to add yet another subject just to add more misery in my life. English Lit. Apparently it's hard work. Should I? Idk. So anyway, as I was saying, everything that use to define me, is slowly fading away. Sucks to be me. And another thing I've given up on is boys. Haha. This, I have given up a pretty long time a go, though. I don't think I've liked anyone in a long time.

It just scares me.

When it was just you and me and the skies above us.

Ola ! :) Currently still here in Spain. I am actually alone in the hotel room right now as the mom and brother has gone to see the flamenco dance and my auntie and grand auntie off shopping. I have decided to stay here in the room. Why? Me, myself haven't got a clue! This trip is slowly coming to an end and I squirm at the thought of going back to my busy life back home. I just realised how stressful school is! I can barely cope with form four syllabus! I'm really afraid I might not catch up and have to either go to Art's stream (-which I don't want cause everything's in malay!) or move to an international school. I do not want to go to an international school because I do not want to burdon my parents with the expensive fees and such. Plus, if other people can cope, why can't I? When I get back to Malaysia (-which is next week) , I will have to study loads more and get GOOD results for mid terms.

I'm excited to go to back to London. Frankly, I don't really know why. I just love it there. Will not be staying in an apartment like last week, instead will be saving money by staying with my grand aunt in Bromley. I absolutely love her house. It's very cozy and comfortable. Since my grand aunt lives London, I've never really gotten the chance to get to know her, but now after this Spain trip I am glad to have learn loads more about her and her late husband. They lived an exciting and adventurous life. I hope when I grow up I would live a life like theirs.

This trip has been great so far. I wish it doesn't have to end. But then again, I do miss home and daddy and my maid and tokmak! Haha.

X.

Nada comprehendo!

Currently in Granada , Spain. Was at Mabella and Cordoba. I like Spain. Not too cold, VERY sunny. Hitam lagi lah selepas ni. (y) :P

Anyway, this blog post is to say....

I MISS BACK HOME.

Haha I can't believe I'm saying it! But I do.

But the thought of the 14 hour flight I have to go through makes me sick :\



- I can't believe of all people its you i'm missing most.

The life of a polar bear.

HELLO THERE, LOVES :D

I'm currently here in London and boy it's great here. The weather is superb. Sunny. But today it's a bit gloomy. Oh well. Damn it good to not have to think of school work and the life I've left behind temporally back home. Today's the fourth day here .. I think. Lol. Um, it's currently 9:01 a.m. here and going off soon. The shopping here is fun :) Fun but tiring. But it's damn nice here lah. I wish I could stay here. Okay, maybe not. But, you know. Lol.

Okay, got to go shower now. BYE :)

X.

The story of the crying walls.

Okay, so I wake up and see these white things on the wall and look up an my wall up there is like cement. Wtf :\ It's due to my walls crying too much. Haha. No, seriously. It's like leaking. Oh well. What a good way to leave my room.
So I'm leaving tonight and I haven't packed shit nor have I bought the things I may be needing over there. But at least my iPod's charged. But at times like these is when I wish I had a MacBook rather than an iMac. :( I still have no idea why I decided to buy an iMac instead of a MacBook. Whatever. Lol. It's pretty! I've chipped the sides a bit though. BY ACCIDENT. My heart literally stopped and I thought I would die that second- okay exaggeration much. :P Okay, so there's a bucket to catch the falling water, and it sounds like those unclosed tap, like, drip, drip, drip and its making me feel like I wanna pee! :( I woke up early today. Which is 9 thanks to Azim who bbmessengered me. My phone just wouldn't stop vibrating! First it was Aisha with her two calls and text this morning, then it was the calendar notifying me some birthdays and shit. Then it was Azims bbm then it was FB emails. I was like STOP VIBRATING FOR GOD SAKES. And for each thing it vibrates twice! So, wow.
Today's actually cross country, but I'm too lazy to go + mom doesn't let me and I'm not in the mood? BUT IM SO SORRY GREEN HOUSE. If it wasn't for my mom I would still have gone btw. Regardless of my laziness. Sorry green house. Hope you guys do great.
MSSKL tennis is coming. D: Don't feel like playing underneath the hot hot sun and melting. :D But I'm quite excited. Whaaa? lol.
Anyway, to everyones who'll be going to Paramore tonight, HAVE FUN :D
Now I have to figure out what the hell to do in the plane for 14 hours :\
Sigh, I really wish I had a laptop to kill time at the airport or whatever.

Anyway, GOODBYE. Will be back in two weeks+

Whats the point in getting to the point?

HEY! :) So, I feel like blogging... So yeah, I will. I didn't go to school today! Cause I had to go renew my passport. Still had to wake up early so that sucked. There was a whole lot of people doing passports too, so you could imagine how long it took! It took like 3 hours, btw. Which is long, right? idk. It felt long. Did nothing there. Just sat.. and waited.. and waited. After everything was done and shit, we (Mom and I) went straight to her office. I went roaming OU for a bit, then she and dad came to have lunch after that, we went looking for coats and shits. No nice coats :( And winter coats make me look so fat. Like a ball. I look like a ball with the jacket. So bleh. So I'll be leaving in about 2 weeks time, and boy am I excited to just relax and have fun :) Though I'd be freezing my ass off! Sigh. Oh well. I'll be missing a week of school! Which means, I'll be missing a few of the assessment papers. :s Oh and I got a new phone! Blackberry Curve, but I haven't activated the Blackberry service thingi... or something. idk. Sportsday is coming, yuck, yuck. Msskl too, double yuck! My season of spending loads of time underneath the sun is coming :) JOY. Not really. Form four is pretty different from form three. Everything seems ten time more! More homework, more class work, more teachers, uhh.. yeah. You get what I mean! I have something on almost EVERYDAY. Let it be tuition, or ballet, or mengaji or tennis. Sigh. I'm one busy girl :) Okay, I'm done blogging.

Oh and I don't know how to watch tv anymore. I have no idea how to on the tv! :(

X.

Of the new and the old.

OKAY HI. So it's February now... yay. Okay um, well schools a bore. My time is practically FULL everyday.. sigh.
I need to get a life. QUICK!

There is school tomorrow. I WANNA SKIP IT. But how. Mhmm. Think.

Oh, formspring!

http://www.formspring.me/bunnynana

If you hate me please tell me WHY and not just "I HATE YOU". "PEOPLE HATE YOU". Cause well fuck you. At least fucking have the decency to tell me why you bloody hate so I can at least TRY to change! >:( Whats the point in telling me you hate me and not tell me why?

STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID IDIOTS.

K thanks ! =) BYEEEE

.

So you sailed away?

Wow. January's almost over. That was quick.

Anyway, this week is the third week of school and boy is it tiring. :( Waking up, going to school, come home, eat lunch, homework, tuition, homework. That's my cycle right there. Pretty awesome ain't it? I canceled tennis today. I pretty much gave up on tennis a long time a go. Plus, this year apparently MSSKL only has under 18 which means MSSM would only have under 18 too, which ALSO means, there is NO WAY i'll get picked for MSSM this year :) What a great year it is.

So I'm in Performing Arts again. Though I got accepted in MUN. I decided to enter Performing Arts cause everyone else is in it. Haha. Yeah.

Been playing the guitar lately. Fun :) Fingers hurts like shit.

Enough of an update for this week.

<3

Very dull month, indeed.

The depth of pure blue.

I like to close my eyes and imagine how I'll be like in 15 years. -but sometimes, we don't become the people we expect to be. Am I the person I expected to be 3 years a go? I guess nothing turns out as we expect in life.

WHEN NOTHING GOES RIGHT.

This is really getting on my nerves. First, I don't get in the class I want to be. Not because I don't deserve to or anything but just cause. ugh, then, I don't get the cool teacher. I get the lame ass ones. Fuck man. This is NOT fair. Screw it. I hate school. School can burn. BURN BURN BURN BURN.

UGH.

Went out today. Boring. I.HATE.GOING.OUT. I wanted to watch Paranormal Activity, but noooooo. ugh.

On a brighter note, I might be taking up English Lit :D Yayyy. Hope I'd be able to (y).

I want to freaking go to sc2 man. Someone, help? :(

Sigh. 2010 doesn't seem like its going so good...

I need something or someone to turn it around.

Also, i have changed my background to white. Cause the black one just hurt my eyes. But now the white one too hurts my eyes.

I rant to much. Shut up, Nana.

Anyway, I've been wanting to go into lots of stuff lately. Like, I feel like I wanna do more public speaking and debating and stuff. Like MUN does in school. But stupidly I didn't join that CCA club. STUPID, right. I just feel like being more active this year in other things BESIDES SPORTS.

Sports teacher has been pastering me to go for training after school so I can be in the athletics team, but I just don't like running! I hate it.

Plus, I have tuition everyday, how to go for training? Sigh. I feel like I'm letting him down :(

I don't even feel like playing MSSKL / MSSM this year. SOMETHINGS DEFINITELY WRONG WITH ME.

I barely chat now days too. I'd like to apologize to the people who I usually chat with. I know i've been off lately. Its just my mood.

Being someone else.

Hai. I feel like, reinventing myself. But that's pretty hard to do :\ I wish people knew me :( like really knew me. But I dont think anyone REALLY knows me.

Anyway, I think I wanna make a new blog. Or change this url or something. Idk. I wanna make an anonymous blog. That'd be cool. That way I wouldn't have to think twice before blogging about something... -wtf am I talking about? I dont have anything secretive things to blog about but can't anyway -.- Ahh.

My life is becoming duller, no shit. Lately, I'm always in a foul mood. I'm less, me now too. I'm sure some of you have noticed in school, I'm more.. haha, quieter. Or so I feel. I just feel so, idk. Anti social.

I have developed a, "I don't really care" thing now. People say people do it somehow has no effect to me no more. I think my self esteem issues are getting worse :(

Sigh. I need major help.

Lately all I've been doing since school start is drown myself with studying. I don't even do homework -.- I keep forgetting.

I still need to buy my molskine. I need a book where I can pour everything im feeling. And molskine would be great. It's pretty. I laik.

I'm becoming dull :) How brilliant.

What is wrong with the world? Or is it just me?

x.

I dont know why.

I don't really know why I bother blogging. So anyway, school started, bla bla bla. I'm leaving this blog forever :)

Bye. Okay, maybe not forever... but yeah. Heh :D

X.

Officially a new year.

How was New Years for me?

Me, Marinna, bunch of other people, Curve.

-not at all what I planned.

Another year.

2009 is almost over. Today's the last day. Am I excited, hell no. 2009 has been BY FAR the worst year. I've made lotsa mistakes but Im glad to say I've learned from them. I hope. I hope next year is better.

Dear 2010,

Please be better.

love,

Nana.

I wish you on a falling star, wondering where you are.

So hello there :) Probably NO ONE reads this blog anymore, but, not the point. Anyway, there's about a week left of the holidays. This friday will be a whole new year. Not looking forward to it.

So how did I spend my holidays?

• Watched A LOT of TV series. Like 90210, Grey's, GG, SKINS!, One tree hill! :D, and ... HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. Hell yeah. :) and others.
• Went out... a lot. Mostly OneUtama.
• Got ice cream from Hazim (y)
• Watched lotsa movies :)
• GOT RESULTS.
• Shopped.
• Decorated my room.

This year was... okay. Just okay.

I'm still gonna be in SG next year :\ Kinda bums me out actually. Wanted to change schools.

What am I doing for New years?

NO IDEA. Great.

On another note, I need to buy stuff like ,

• Molskine
• New paint brushes
• Felted pens of different sizes and colors
• New watercolor
• Sling bag
• Some clothes
• school stationary

:)

OH and school uniform.

MY ROOM IS COOL.

I'm done here. BYEEEEE.

CONGRATULATIONS YOUNG GRASSHOPPERRR!

I'm proud to be your sensei. AHHAHAHAH.

Now you don't have to kill yourself. You're in Cekal. AGAIN.

Okay, next year pulak. PMR! :p

I ♥ YOU!

Katrina Kazman is cool.

*cough. Like Nana.

What's the difference, doc?

Okay, so today I'd like to blog about the word love.

I'm just wondering what IS the difference between friendship love, family love, and.... love.

Don't they all mean the same? Love. A feeling you feel towards another. Frankly, I love lots of people then. All my close friends, family.

So when you're in a relationship and one says, "I'm only gonna say I love you when I mean it... till now, I like you", doesn't make sense to me, to be honest. I mean, you guys are in a relationship so that probably means you've known each other for awhile being friends. And I'm sure even before you guys got together you loved one another. In maybe a friend way. Whatever that means.

So what I wanna know is, what's the big deal with saying LOVE?

And, I think it isn't hard to find love. Cause frankly you can love anyone it's just the matter of whether you want to or not.

I think I now know the meaning of,

"You love her, she loves you, so whats the matter?!"

"Sometimes, I guess, love isn't enough".

Hope this gets you all thinking.

end.

(Random post for today. Sorry. )

I'd like to hear what YOU think about this.

Just friends.

HELLO THERE READERS. I do not blog much. Everyone knows that. But come on, nobody blogs daily anymore. That was so.... last year? Haha. Right. Shut up, Sufianna.

Okay, so... my goals for this Holidays is to MAKE NEW FRIENDS. Yes. Make new friends. So, feel free to add me up and introduce yourself :)

uhh. Tuition later. :( Kill me. Hmmf.

I need a hobby. Seriously. Waking up at 12 and going online ... is not healthy! :p

CIAO.

Maybe he won't find out what I know.

The holidays has been remotely boring. I swear. It's likee... everything's so normal and boring. I need excitement! Need to try new things! I have to feel that exhilarating feeling. So, yeah. Doubt that's gonna happen. I'm not even going out of Malaysia this holidays. AGAIN. Ugh. :( This sucks.

I'm gonna make new friends. Not funny, Arif. I'm serious. I AM FRIENDLY. :(

It may seem like I'm not, but, but, I'm just shy lah. ish.

X.

We can see the world tonight.

Hello there world. Im guessing most of you kinda stopped checking my blog since I haven't updated in ages. Well, surprise, surprise, I'm updating this dead, but colorful blog :D

So, currently skyping with Kierien.

Um, schools over. Yay? Not really. I have no life :( Mleh.

I got my iMac :D It's so pretty. HEH.

Well, that's all for now :D

Movies I'm dying to watch. :)

1. New York, I love You.
   
2. Dear John.
   
3. Valentines Day.
   
4. Splinterheads.
   
5. Whip It.
   
6. Gentlemen Broncos.
7. Paris, Je T'Aime.
8. My Sister's Keeper.

AISYAH.

I NEED TO GO TO YOUR HOUSE AND TAKE ALL THE FREAKING TV SERIES'S YOU GOT ! THANK YOU.

X.

<3

Hi :) I know I'm not a good blogger anymore :( I'm sorry. It's just that, half the time when I plan to blog, I got ZERO things to talk about. I'm sorry, my life isn't interesting! I have pretty boring and dull life. Seriously. Seriously? SERIOUSLY. Hmmf. It's like after PMR, I just realised how much I don't have a life. Haha. Sigh. I attended AAR on Satruday, went there around 11 with Aisha, there wasn't anyone there, so since I haven't eaten, we thought we'd grab something to eat first, by the time we went back there around 12:45, the line had started >:( Grr. We were still quite in front though. Lol. As soon as we ran in, being in the second line, people kept pushing and pushing me to be infront of me, and I'm like, "DUDE, STOP IT". People like that piss me off. Lol. The whole thing was a blast though :) Really awesome.

Mhmm, other than that, nothing fun has been happening to me. :) Yay. My phone's practically DEAD. It doesn't ring or vibrates. No texts, no calls.

And today, I think blew off something really huge. HEHE. I suck at life <3

AISHA AMALINA'S BIRHTDAY IS TOMORROW! :D

You bleed just to know you're alive.

Hellooo. So the whole after PMR thing is getting boring. Yesterday was okay though. Went for tennis for the first time in AGES. It wasn't bad since it rained, so it wasn't hot :) After tennis, went to have dinner at OU with mom and brother. Then went for rock climbing at Camp5 at OU. It was .. fun. But hell was it tiring. My fingers are all blehedout cause of it. Then, reached home about 1 then showered and everything and slept around 2. In the morning, I woke up myself at 6:45 and my dad and driver went already -.- wth. So texted Aisha saying I wasn't coming to school and asked her to help me tell Ustazah I'm sorry.

So a few days a go we all skipped school to go to Sunway to skate. And damn, I can't skate for shiz. I suck. HAHA. So after about an hour or so failing at skating, we decided to check out sunway lagoon. Apparently Sunway Lagoon closes on Tuesday. LIKE WTH. Damn bad luck -.- So we ended up eating and shiz and watched Whiteout which is a STUPID movie btw. After the movie, we just walked around and did the usual 007 game and dares.

Mhmm. I got nothing to do right now! :( Argh, shit man.

GOING TO SCHOOL TOMORROW. Yes. I will.

X.

FOURTH DAY?

REDBOX in the morning/afternoon. KC's screaming. (y) Lol. Roller bladding (I STILL DO NOT KNOW HOW TO SPELL!) at Sungeiwang (Don't know how to spell this either). T'was fun watching Jon fall a million times :) I joke. Lotsa talking on the way to KLCC. LRT to Bangsar. Cab to Aza's house. Went to Bangsar. Had dinner at Nandosssss. Lepaked around. Ran for cabs. Slurpyyyy. Ran for more cabs. THE END :)

Today..... so boring. Ballet. BLEGH. :(

AFTER PMR.

Day one ; Running around Curve playing Hide and Seek. Sleepover with Marinna and Aisyah.

Day two ; Roller bladding (?) with the Marinna and Aisyah.

Day three ; KDE for sports. Went to some steep trail thing that lead to a nice lake. Climbed rocks kat sungai. On the way back to KDE heavy rained poured and got soaking wet. Swimming and Pizza. Ah, lovely day :)

NOW SHOWER. HOMG I THINK IM SICK >:(

Bangsar tomorrow? :D

Bada bing.

MIA.

ELLO THERE. I haven't blogged in ages. I know I said the next time I'll be blogging will be after PMR, but hey, I think I'll just blog now. So three days of PMR is currently OVER. OVERRRR. Three more subjects to go, and I'm free :) Though, to be honest, I feel quite free now :) Semi freeness is feelin' gooooooood. Lol.

So there's been spammers on my blog. or shall i say spammer. Lol. But hey, I'd like to say thanks to whoever backed me up :)

Okayyy. So how was PMR? It was .. um.. yeah. Okay. Right. Moving on.

DAILYBOTH. :)

GOMAKEYOURSELFADAILYBOOTH. IT MAY BE LAME BUT ITS FUN. :)

X.

I probably should keep this to myself.

Yaw's, readers :) I haven't updated a lot lately, I mean phfsh, with PMR coming up and all do you seriously think I'd be updating a lot? :p Haha. Nah, that's not the actual reason. I've just been lazy. You'd think I'm too busy studying to update, but naw. I'm on the net just as much these days... okay, that's a lie. But hehs :) I've been tweeting, dailyboothing and tumblr-ing MUCH MORE than blogging. Blogging just takes too much time. Sorryz, yaw.

So raya's been great. I guess. In a way, uhuh, yeah. (y)

Duit raya's a HUGE let down, but whatever. It ain't important right? 0:)

Will not update till PMR's over. 14 more days to PMR. WHOOP. I seriously don't know why they can't just make it monday-friday one shot. UGH. So stupid.

Autobots roll out! :D

BYE!

Postcards from far away.

Ello, ello. So PMR in um 20 days. WOOH. How exciting :p Jyeahh. Today for some reason I had an urge to learn a new song on the piano, but I had to do with all that I could to fight this urge cause, I SHOULD BE BLEEDING STUDYING. Hehhs. Well, that’s all. I just wanted to tell you people that :p

STUPID MOSQUITO! STOP BITING ME YOU BITCH.

X. :)

Blue moon.

Hello, hello :) PMR is in about 24 days or so. How exciting! Grr. I'm beyond scared at this moment but yet I have to admit, I seem pretty calm about it. Maybe the idea of PMR in 24 days hasn't quite settled in my mind yet. Lol. I need major help! I NEED TO BE ABLE TO FAST AGAIN. Since I can't fast now, when I get hungry I eat chocolates! Like lots of them. I'mma gain weight man. Shit :( So anyway, yesterday I had school and surprisingly, I went! Bangga. Lol. It was okay. Didn't learn much from the seminars. SORRY. I just have very little attention span. So all I did was laugh and talk with Aisha. Angela actually payed attention. Grr. After the seminar, I went straight to Aiyah's house. Met up with her and Aza cause we wanted to check out each others trial papers. Aza only brought 4 papers! I really wanted to see the science one, but she didn't bring it >:\ I was damn hungry over at Aisyah's, so she offered Mentos and Baskin Robbins sweet. Hahaha. I went back from her house around 6 something then off to Muhibbah, Taman Tun to break fast with all the cousins. It was fun. After dinner I went to KTJ cause my brother wanted to follow Farith go see Alya/Alia (?) perform. But we were too late, she dah perform. And, might I add, KTJ IS FRIGGIN AWESOME. The dorms and stuff, damn cool. :O Lol. Anyway, I really should be logging off now and STUDY. Byeee :)

X.

What more can I say?

I draw smileys to remind me to be happy.
I draw heart shapes to remind me love exists.
I draw clouds to remind me not to be scared to dream.
I draw rainbows to remind me even after a rainy day, the sun will still shine.
But then I catch myself writing your name.
What does that mean?

Ello peopleeee. School today wasssss... hard to explain. Never mind. Lol. Anyway, whats new, Nana? Ohhh, nothing much. Grr. Anyway, I honestly don't have anything to blog about! Grr. I'm sorry. GOODBYE, loves. :)

PMR in 26 days. WHOOP!

X.

p/s: Can I please hug you? :(


GAH. I'm back. Sorry, it's so stupid of one to publish a post with stupid ramblings and "I DONT HAVE ANYTHING TO BLOG ABOUT" crap. OKAY. So, um, yeah. I'mma try to make this more... longer? Or whatever. Grr. Shut up. I did history just now. So bleh. I'mma continue after this post! I GOT TO STUDY! Cause, I need to show Katrina that I was right! KATRINA AND EVERYONE ELSE ! Hehs. So currently chatting with Arif and Aisha and Jon. Whatever lah, screw it. BYE :)

I hate you. I hate you. I swear. Ugh.

AND DEAR AISHA,
Please do cheer up. Thank you.

Love,
Nana.

Why should you think about it?

Ello, ello. So this couple of days, I've been slacking on the studies. BUT, by tomorrow, I'm up and ready to start my studying routine once again. Damn. 4 days.. wasted. Shit man. School today was okay. I want pizza for buka. Ugh. Maybe I'll order it later or something. Yes? Definitely. Anyway, I should really be heading off to shower! BYE.

X.

P/s: I'm giving up on you.

Edit.

Helloooo. Just finished studying. YES. I'm studying now. Thanks to Katrina :D We made a deal. She shall give me money for every A I get for PMR. ;) 5 sens per subject mannnn. That's A LOT. But, she told me I shouldn't spend it all on one thing, nanti I become muflis.

I am her sensei and she is my young grasshopper. :D

The purple dinosaurs.

Helllo! :) So I'm currently watching Sex and The City. :D Have been for likeee two days now. I finished past year papers for science. Tonight I'll start doing history. Grr. Lol. Okay, uh I haven't been going online lately. SORRY. Bye.

X.

Stuck on a boy.

Ello there.

So, today was pretty okay. But was extra tired somehow in school. Must have talked/singed/shouted way to much :) I studied a bit while watching Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist and Angus, Thongs and the Perfect Snogging. Both I've watched before. Lol. Just wanted some company while doing my work, ya know? Lol. Had briyani for breaking fast. Sedap! :D Anyway, my results as I said in my previous posts, are BLEH. Kill me.

Anyway, more about the movies I watched, well, I absolutely LOVE Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist. I swear, it's like my favorite movie this year yet. It's just such an "Aw" movie! Plus, the soundtrack is exquisite! To anyone who hasn't watched this movie, GO WATCH IT. Seriously. I like the whole concept of the band, "Where is Fluffy". It's just so, wow. Lol. :)

32 more days, people. :)

X.

You know I read it in the magazine.

Hello, hello! :)

I got practically all my marks already. Except History. The marks are likeeeee holy mother of mermaids bad. Sigh. But it's okay lah, I think. I mean.... -silents-.

Anyway, today was bleh. I sang too much of Sweeney Todd till I got so tired in class. Mega lol. I wanna bring you to a journey through my mind. Okay? Great :)

"Mhmm. I should study. Yeah, I should. Okay. OH WAIT. I should shower first. Yes. -five minutes in the showers-, Mhmm. I should get out now. Nah. -15 minutes in the showers-, I'm getting all bleh, I should get out. Mhmm, five minutes lah. -half an hour in the showers-, Ok, I'm all done. -puts on clothes-, Oh! I wanna use my mask today. Mhmm 15 minutes? Okay. Maybe I should study while the mask is on? Nah. Later lah. No, no. I should study. -takes science book-. Okay, -first question-. -second question. -third question-. WOW look at that! A cat on my roof. -puts down the book and goes to the window-. Hahaha. Sucha stupid cat. Now, where was I?...... OH my mask. It's done... "

Okay, basically what I'm tryna show here is, how my mind can't concentrate :( Always get sidetracked. I need my tuition ! But noooo, for bulan ramadhan, it's canceled. Only on Saturday and Sundays for bloody 5 hours. Ughhh. DIE. DIE. DIE.

HEHEE. Expect me to blog again today. :)

X.

That kinda guy.

Ughhh. This guy, is beyond hot. And the character he played in 27 dresses, GOSH. *Melts. I mean come on, I want that kinda guy, ya know what I'm sayin? HAHA. Sorry, I just can't stand these kind of love stories. You know where the girl is madly in love with this cool perfect guy but there's also this funny and nice cool guy which she doesn't think twice about but in the end falls madly in love with? Yeahhh. Sigh.

It's always the funny and nice guys.

I've always had a thing for these kinda guys, ya know. The nice but funny and good friend. But this ones a bonus since he's bleedin hot!
I nak :)

But hey, I'm in no rush. I'll wait right her till that kinda guy comes my way. :D

Okay, now I'm just crapping. Sorry, it's like 12 o'clock now and I'm feeling sooo happy. Which is odd since I just got my horrible results earlier today. It's just something about watching love stories that gives me hope. Not necessarily in the whole love thing, but everything. Gah. I'm sounding to clique. Lol.

I simply can't.

I CANNOT STUDY. I GET SIDETRACKED. THIS IS GAY. I SHALL NOW LOG OFF AND THROW MY LAPTOP TO SOMEWHERE I SHALL NOT TAKE UNTIL I FULLY UNDERSTAND THIS STUPID CHAPTER. GOODBYE.

Crying shame.

Ello there.

So, today was supposedly SG's merdeka celebration day but, we didn't celebrate shit, instead we stayed in class and got our Trials results. THE HORROR. I mean, honestly, I knew I did horribly for this trials cause for some reason everything I hate came out. Which, you may think is badluck but I take it as GOOD LUCK cause now I understand how to answer all these things AND I now know that I should not ignore the chapters I hate. HAHA. Anyway, I cried in class today. Yes, ME, crying! In public. Hahaha. And of all reason why I cried, it was cause of ENGLISH. Yes. English. Wth. I apparently screwed up the essay by writing a report with WRONG percentages and shit. My english teacher was like,

"Did you even read the pie chart?! What were you, HIGH?".

Ugh. It honestly wasn't my fault. Ok, so maybe my careless mistakes has gone too far this time. But, hey, I now know that I shouldn't be too over confident with english. I shall be 10x more careful in PMR, this I can promise you.

I got horrible results for science too. Not really surprise. But, I can't believe I got that much mistakes in Paper One! Which I found easy. Bleh. I'll go through the answers later. My paper two was as I expected. I left out a lot of questions cause they were stupid form two stuff that I hate. Digestions. Grr. Ah well, I shall put more time on that! :)

I got my blogging mojo back! I guess all I needed was a new look for my blog :p

X.

Hello. I'm here again. After a long shower. An hour to be exact. Had lots of time to think. Plus, the water was bleedin' hot. So yeahh. I have made a conclusion that the amount I'm putting in to study isn't enough. I need to study MORE. So, in conclusion, I'm only gonna allow myself to go online at night. Which is after I studied and shiz. But, I don't really mind to sleep late being online as long as I've studied in the evening. So in other words, I'm sacrificing my sleeping time for my computer time. :\ Which is pretty stupid, but yeah. Oh, and my onlining time only begins around 10. Cause that's the appropriate time for me to sleep. HA HA. :)

Sigh, there hasn't been tuition in so long. The whole fasting thing is really getting in the way cause my tuition starts at six and ends around ten. But, now since I have to break my fast and stuff, ... bleh.

OH. MY FACIAL WASH SMELLS LIKE THE WHITE VITAGEN. HAHAHAHA. I know you're jealous :)

X. again.