I want to be..

In the course of 16 years, I've wanted to be many things.

I wanted to be a princess so I wanted to be a ballerina.
I wanted to be superman because he saved lives so I wanted to be an ambulans driver.
I wanted to be a lawyer because everyone told me I would make a good one.
I wanted to be a professional tennis player because they told me I could.
I wanted to be the very best like no one ever was.. because I liked Pokemon.
I wanted to be top 5 in class because I wanted her to be proud of me.
I wanted to be like Hermione Granger because she was a muggle born witch and was really smart.
I wanted to be a champion.
I wanted to read 10 books in a month because I wanted to challenge myself.
I wanted to be a writer because I express myself better through words.
I wanted to be fit and healthy.
I wanted straight A's.
I wanted to be able to play piano because my mom loved piano.


.. I always just wanted to be things. Do I actually achieve everything I want to be? Do the dreams turn to my reality?

NO. 

Why do I not strive and work for what I want to be? Why do I very often give up so fast?

That is why i'm a failure. -I don't have the drive and what it takes to achieve my dreams.

I want to be a person who fights for what she wants. 

Things on my mind;

1. I should start studying FULL BLAST. Its already March goddamnit.
2. I need a new iPod.
3. I should start drawing/painting again. Moleskines looking pretty empty.
4. Attend tuition more regularly please, Nana.
5. Buy more notebooks... and files.
6. Habiskan pafa, lisans and pekas!
7. STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY LAH. 

Epiphany

There has just been a tsunami. In Japan everything must be pretty havoc.

I can hear my dad watching the news.

...and here I am on the computer.

You shine brighter than anyone.

The room was cold and I had just taken a shower. I climbed on my bed and got under the warm covers, finding the perfect position. I could hear the soft sound of the drizzle outside,  and I felt at peace. Not long after, as expected on nights like these, I fell into slumber.

Suddenly, I woke up. There I was lying down as I opened my eyes. I was confused of where I was. No longer on my bed. Instead, in this ... box. Suffocating from the lack of light and fresh air. Feeling asphyxiated with the thought of being trapped any longer.  Because seconds felt like a lifetime.
I wasn't sure where exactly I was, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know at that point.  I was constricted to any movement at all and I started to hyperventilate as I am claustrophobic.
The smell of sweat and dirt intoxicated me. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't stand it and started to scream. I pushed the walls that confined me, but to no avail. I kicked and pushed, called for help through the endless sobs.
I could feel things starting to crawl on my skin, bitting me. The pain was excruciating. I was being eaten.. alive. Or so I thought.
I wanted to die. There and then. I gave out one last scream.
..
Then it dawned to me.
This isn't a joke. No one can hear me for I am underground. I am buried. I am... dead. 

I woke up, sweating and crying.

Scary isn't it knowing that when you close your eyes at night, you might not wake up in the morning in the same state you were in the night before.

Past, present, future.

When you think about where you are now at this exact moment in life, are you content with who you've become?

Are you satisfied with what you have achieved so far?

Are you someone who you are proud of? If the five year old you were to meet you, would he/she be proud?

Are you who you always wanted to be? Are you on the path you had planned to take or have you gone astray somewhere along the way of growing up?